But I Just Wanted Pink Haired Babies!
by DracoGinny5ever
Summary: Borderline Crack!fic in which Voldemort's true reasons for trying to kill Harry are finally revealed. Draco/Ginny FTW
1. Voldie's Ideas Make Lucius Uncomfortable

**But I Just Wanted Pink Haired Babies!**

Crack!fic In which Voldemort's true reasons for trying to kill Harry are finally revealed. DracoGinny.

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, I'm not making a profit from this fic, etc.**

**AN: This is my very first fic, I was hoping to publish a really dark, emo story about Draco and Ginny's love for each other, but this idea kept nagging me at 3:00 am last night and I had to publish it. Rated M for mature content and shameless stupidity. **

One fine, crispy winter's afternoon, a very emotionally delicate Dark Lord sat on a plush, immaculate couch, playing with what appeared to be home-made Barbie dolls and making them talk in loving tones to each other. The first doll was actually a Ken doll with bleached blonde hair, little Slytherin robes, and a black skull drawn on his left forearm. The second doll, a Barbie dressed up with an elegant evening gown and hair that looked suspiciously like it was colored red with a sharpie, was in Lord Voldemort's hand, prancing around the couch and occasionally bending down to kiss the blonde-haired Ken doll on the cheek.

"Drakey Drakey Draco, of course I'll marry you, you sexthy slithery serpent lover," Voldemort said in a sing song voice as he moved the red headed doll around in a mildly disturbing little tango. He picked up the blonde doll called Draco and held it so its face was very close to the red head.

"Ginevra, darling, I just dieee a little every time you're not near. Do come by the manor for a spot of tea" Voldemort said in his best imitation of a stuffy English socialite's accent. "We can hold each other closely and relish in each other's company for hours."

"Absolutely, Draco. And then we can make love!" Voldemort squealed, pressing the two dolls together in a passionate embrace, imitating moaning and kissing sounds and trying to get the Draco doll to take off the Ginny doll's dress.

Voldemort was enjoying himself more than ever. As a huge Drinny fan, these play dates with his dolls were one of his favorite alone-time endeavors. Unbeknownst to Voldemort, however, a tall, extremely good looking man with devilish silver eyes and Fabio-esque blonde hair had heard some of these rather odd sounds and was making his way hesitantly towards the Dark Lord. He reached the living room, opened the door, and observed the scene before him with a mixture of revulsion and horror.

"Why you naughty girl, Ginny, let's say you and me-LUCIUS! What the HELL are you doing here??" Voldemort roared, hastily stuffing his Draco/Ginny figurines under the nearest cushion.

Lucius put a hand on his forehead in annoyance and said with gritted teeth "I _live _here."

"Oh," said Voldemort, taking in for the first time the numerous photos of Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco all over the deep purple walls and an enormous silver MALFOY FAMILY crest hanging above the fireplace. _Funny I didn't notice that before_, he thought. "Right, well I'm glad you're here because there is something über important that I need to discuss with you."

"Dare I ask what that might be?" Lucius asked with trepidation

"Yes, you do dare, actually," Voldemort sneered sarcastically. "Look, there isn't an easy way to say this. I'm growing older. Your son, a fine specimen I might add, is of reproductive age. He is tall, muscular, well bred, good with a wand, he has ideal bone structure, etc. etc. Arthur Weasley's daughter, a rather attractive, pure-blood little lady that the young people are calling a 'firecrotch' nowadays, is only a year younger, and I think that these two together" he motioned his hands excitedly back and forth "would, you know, maybe be able to join forces and help me out?..." He sighed at the blank, confused look on Lucius' face. Voldemort rolled his eyes at his subordinate's stupidity and, taking a deep breath, said, "Lucius, I need an heir."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Yes, I want someone to help me carry on my family line'

"I…don't really think I can help you with that, my Lord"

"No, not you, you idiot, your son! Draco Malfoy is the slice of heaven I've been looking for to carry on my legacy. Ginevra Weasley would be the perfect candidate to help Draco in this, um 'assignment,'" he smiled cheekily at Lucius. "Long live the pink haired babies, you know?" Voldemort suddenly conjured a red and white party noise maker out of thin air and blew on it enthusiastically.

Comprehension suddenly dawned on Lucius, and he twisted his face in disgust; "YOU WANT MY SON TO END UP WITH THAT GINGER-HEADED HUSSIE?!"

Voldemort narrowed his eyes and sent Lucius a deathstare. "Lucius, I swear to God if you cockblock Draco, I will have your nuts on a silver platter."

"My Lord…"

Voldemort held up a hand to silence him, pointing a finger at Lucius' nether region. "Your nuts. My platter. You will not be warned again. Anyhoo!" he continued, "the only thing that stands in the way of this beautiful union is…is…" He felt a lump growing in his throat and wanted to throw up a little bit as he said the name, "Harry Potter."

With the subject changed from the awkward matter of Draco's love life to the task at hand of killing Harry Potter, Lucius' demeanor lightened considerably. "Ah yes, the _boy who lived_," Lucius drawled with a sneer. "I suppose he is one of the few obstacles remaining between us and our vision of a healthy, exclusively pure-blood society."

Voldemort rolled his eyes and nodded his head half-heartedly in agreement. In all honesty, Voldemort didn't completely detest muggles. True, his father was kind of an ass hole and that had caused him some issues that he'd talked about in therapy, but other than that, he was just cool as a grapefruit with the lot of them. He _was_ cool, that is, until he realized how important blood purity was to the Malfoys. If they didn't like muggles, then, damn it, he wouldn't either. He HAD to gain the Malfoys' respect so that he'd be able to play matchmaker with their one and only son, and if that meant causing the deaths of countless, innocent people in the process, so be it.

Eyes slightly glossy from the cozy thought of world domination, Lucius looked over to Voldemort and whispered quietly, "I do hope you remember the contents of the Hidden prophecy, my Lord?"

Voldemort shuddered. "Yess," he hissed, growing rigid and sour at the thought of the one prophecy they _had_ successfully secured from the Ministry's clutches. He remembered its words well;

_The one with the power to destroy Drinny's love approaches_

_Born to those who are of_

_The original Harry-Ginny-Draco Triangle_

_Formerly known as James-Lily-Snape_

_And the Dark Lord will pop a curse in his head_

_So he will die instead of dating a girl whose hair is red_

_And one ship must sink so the other may sail_

_For Ginny can't be with two men at a time_

_The one with the power to sink Drinny's ship_

_Will be born at the end of July_

Voldemort had tried his damndest to snuff out that little baby the second Snape (another avid Draco/Ginny shipper) had revealed to him the last lines of that dreaded prophecy. But, without fail, Harry James Potter had been able to wiggle his way out of Voldemort's clutches every. single. time. This year, however, was different. This year, he HAD to make Drinny happen. He was tired of just playing with his Barbies any time he thought he was completely alone; he wanted to be able to actually see, actually _smell_ Draco and Ginny being together. The time had come……

"Lucius," he said sadistically, "bring the Potter boy to the Manor. I will NOT have the prophecy fulfilled, or else I think I'll just turn myself into a baby at the end of the Seventh book so I can cry myself to sleep in a train station for the rest of eternity."

Lucius bowed in obedience. "It will be done, My Lord," and with that, he turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Voldemort alone with his Barbies and his fanfiction to tide him over until he could rectify the lack of Draco and Ginny in canon, once and for all.

**AN: Did you love it?? I hope you did :)**** All reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated! Ch. 2 coming soon!**


	2. An Awkward Meeting

**AN: Welcome to Chapter 2 of my Crack!fic! A special thanks to my BEAUTIFUL reviewers: .., boredlittlestudent, and scubarang, and also thanks to the lovely folks who have added this story to their favorites or alerts (I won't list your names here in case you like to read crack!fics on the downlow). Your support keeps me motivated! Thank you!!**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is JK Rowling's, Final Countdown is Europe's, You're Beautiful is James Blunt's. **

**Chapter 2: An Awkward Meeting **

Just as Voldemort was about to pitch a hissy fit for being left alone too long, he was struck with a moste brilliante idea. He smiled to himself in satisfaction, eager to let Lucius know his idea so that he could get a pat on the back for his genius. "Oh Luciusss!! LUCY!!!!! I need you to come here for a wee moment, for I have something rather important to discuss with you!" He called in a sing-song voice to Lucius, who reappeared looking severely pissed off several moments later.

Lucius' grey eyes were narrowed in fury. "Never… _never_…. _ever…. _call me _'Lucy'_ again," Lucius hissed, trying his best not to look too agitated, though the bright red tint of his face and the way his eyes bulged out with rage gave him away just a little bit. "Now, what in GOD's name do you need to tell me?"

Voldemort grinned. "I have the perfect way to bring the Potter boy here."

"Excellent, my Lord," Lucius said with the content, slightly dazed look he always got when he thought about murdering Harry. "Shall I summon the other Death Eaters?"

"No, that won't be necessary," Voldemort replied giddily. "I prefer we use a much subtler method, a much more fool-proof way to bring the Potter boy here that won't risk the bodily harm of one of our number." Lucius nodded his head in agreement. "I suggest," Voldemort continued, "that we send the Potter boy a type of bait, a letter, perhaps, to make him believe his presence is, for whatever reason, desperately needed here," Voldemort watched Lucius excitedly for his reaction, hoping he loved the plan as much as Voldemort did.

Much to Voldemort's disappointment, however, Lucius didn't seem entirely smitten with his plan. "Erm…" Lucius tried to articulate his objections in such a way that Voldemort wouldn't get offended and _Avada Kedavra_ him on the spot.

"Yes??" Voldemort whispered impatiently.

Lucius hesitated. "It's just that, well, I don't think Potter can be lured from the safety of the Order so easily. Don't you think a letter would be a bit rash?"

Voldemort pursed his lips together. This was not the answer he wanted to hear at all and, he wasn't going to lie, his feelings were a little hurt. "Lucius, I've been stalking this kid for like 17 years now, I _*think* _I know what I'm doing," he said angrily. "Besides, it's not like _you_ have a better plan, anyways!"

"Actually, my Lord, I was thinking we could maybe-"

"NO! NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE A BETTER PLAN THAN I DO!" Voldemort jumped up and down on the couch like a spoiled little girl and dug in his robes for his wand. He saw the panicked look on Lucius' face and calmed down a little bit. "I suppose I set myself up for that one, didn't I?" He asked in a tone he supposed sounded like a caring uncle or a fatherly grandfather. "All I meant was that I like calligraphy, stationary, and penmanship, so I think a letter would be a really excellent way to bring Harry to us," he smiled and fixed Lucius with the best puppy dog eyes he had.

"Very well, my Lord," Lucius said meekly, not quite sure whether to be terrified or amused at the Dark Lord's complete lack of sanity. "My wife has some stationary you are more than welcome to use," Lucius left and returned quickly with a roll of parchment held triumphantly in his left hand. He approached Voldemort and placed the parchment on the table in front of him, hoping beyond hope that the paper and quills were to the Dark Lord's liking.

"Sterling, Lucius, just sterling," Voldemort said, rolling out Narcissa's stationary so that he could begin writing the ransom note. "This should be easier than taking candy from a baby," he assured a reluctant Lucius, and the two men sat together to begin their well thought out ransom note.

Seventeen Red Bulls and four hours later, the ransom note was finally complete. Voldemort looked in awe at the fear-inducing handwriting, the harsh words, and the pleasantly floral scent that covered the hot pink parchment that they had written on. The note read:

_Dear Harry, _

_I have taken your best friend and cousin Dustin Durlsey hostage and am keeping him here in this undisclosed location ::coughmalfoymanorcough:: for the day. I plan on returning him safely home before we eat at approximately 6:00pm, so there is really no need for you to come find me…. __BUT IF YOU WANT TO, I am here. Alone and extremely vulnerable. __Best Wishes, _

_L. Voldemort _

Voldemort grinned brightly. He grabbed an albino peacock out of Lucius' coat closet, fitted the phony letter on the poor bird's silver-sequined mail carrier, and tossed it roughly out of the window, yelling Harry's address as it flew away.

"Potter won't dare risk losing another one of his precious relatives to my schemes," he whispered. "This is the perfect trap."

Lucius looked doubtful. "Surely not, my Lord. No one is stupid enough to fall for that…"

Approximately 2.8 minutes later, however, an angsty knock on the front door rang loud and strong across the Manor. Voldemort turned his head and saw through the window the outline of a scrawny, black haired emo kid standing on Lucius' front porch. "See?" he said triumphantly as Lucius went to answer the door. He was both excited and scared to see the man who had somehow managed to beat Draco in seducing Ginny.

Harry Potter entered Lucius' living room. His untidy black hair had grown a few inches over the summer, his jeans were torn at the knees, his trainers were white but had some mud on them and, well, you get the idea.

Harry stood, wand at the ready, and narrowed his eyes the moment they made contact with Voldemort's.

"YOU!" he roared, opening his mouth to hex Voldemort with whatever curse he could think of. He was, however, quickly shut down by the bigger, longer, and much more skillful hand of Lord Voldemort.

"Harry FUCKING Potter" Voldemort spat. "How is it that you, a skinny boy with no extraordinary talent, managed to bang the most sought after witch of all time? How did _you_ manage to serenade Ginny Weasley, leaving Draco Malfoy to cry himself to sleep every night?"

"Wow, Chamber of Secrets much?" Harry sneered

"Shut up. What I mean is that you have no right, no right at all to be with Ginny in canon, yet somehow, inexplicably, you are." Voldemort said, trying his best to hold back the tears. "It just really doesn't make sense to me, Potter, and because of that, you need to be killed."

Harry's eyes widened in horror. "WAIT! Wait, I think you've got the wrong idea here," he yelped. "I mean, clearly Ginny and I are meant to be together-NO!" Harry roared as he saw Voldemort start to mouth the words '_Avada Kedavra_' with his wand pointed directly at Harry's throat. "No! Just hear me out!" Harry pleaded desperately.

Voldemort lowered his wand. "Potter, I've been arguing with Harry/Ginny fans for far too long. I will give you 15 seconds, no, make that 12 seconds to tell me why you should be with her."

Harry sighed. "Ginny and I were made for each other! She's like a little sister to me, and everything about her strongly resembles my dead mother."

Voldemort blinked. "Erm…you really aren't helping yourself out much here, you know that right?"

"Umm, well, ummm," Harry said anxiously, hoping against hope that a well-timed interruption might happen and give him a few more minutes to live.

As if to answer Harry's prayers, a stunning Draco Malfoy suddenly opened the door, the song 'Final Countdown' by Europe playing triumphantly as Draco waltzed into the living room. Voldemort, Lucius, and even Harry were all quite taken aback by Draco's undeniable beauty. His silvery blonde hair was tousled to the side, flowing as if moved by a constant breeze. His grey blue eyes were wide in surprise, but very prettily so, as he observed Voldemort, Harry, and his father in the scene before him. His body, hard and sculpted from years of playing Quidditch, resembled the relaxed stance one might find in a Michelangelo sculpture, and his unbelievably handsome face had that classic Malfoy smirk on it as he noticed Harry, pleading for his life in front of Voldemort.

"Alright, Scarhead?" He drawled, laughing as Harry got all whiny and emo the way he always did when Draco insulted him.

"Shut it, Malfoy. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Harry squealed as Malfoy picked up a large rock and looked as if he were about to throw at Harry's face.

"You were saying, Potter?" He sneered.

Harry growled in frustration and pointed his wand at Draco, but was thwarted as Draco threw his large rock with an athlete's precision at Harry's wand, breaking it cleanly in half.

Harry snarled viciously and lunged himself at Draco, completely disregarding the fact that Draco was taller, blonder, and much better looking than he was, and therefore clearly more likely to be the victor of any altercation between them. Draco threw down his wand and eagerly met Harry in the challenge.

"Get off of my son, you filthy half-blood!" Lucius roared, beating Harry with his pimp cane to try and help his son.

Voldemort opened his mouth in surprise and turned, enraged, to face Lucius. "Whoa, Time out! Time the FUCK out, Lucius! I am sooo not cool with you and the other death eaters using the word '_half-blood.'_ I mean, come on!" He pointed wildly at himself, "am I invisible to you people??"

"Forgive me, my Lord. It will not happen again," Lucius apologized profusely

"You bet your sweet lilywhite ass it won't," Voldemort snarled, turning back to watch the fight.

Just before Draco was about to soundly kick Harry's ass in their little skirmish, Harry suddenly remembered the reason he came to the Manor in the first place. "By the way," he said, pulling himself away from his fight with Draco, "what happened to my cousin?"

Voldemort looked confused. "Dustin?"

"No, Dudley."

"Oh, I don't know. I never actually kidnapped him. I just said I had him here so that you'd come rushing over to fight me. I knew you'd fall for it."

"Wow, I think you've stooped to a new low," Harry said. "This is just like that time I lost Sirius except somehow more humiliating."

"Isn't it, though?" Smiled Voldemort, recalling said event fondly.

At that moment, Draco went to stand by Harry, Voldemort, and his father. He looked slightly nervous, like he had to tell them all something very very random. This time the song 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt began playing as Draco opened his mouth to speak.

"People, I have an announcement I need to make. Ginny Weasley and I are getting married."

**AN: Whoo! Cliffhanger! Don't worry, I pretty much know what I want to happen in the third chapter, so I will definitely update much quicker than I did last time! Review and I'll love you forever! **


	3. Fire & Icecrotch

**A/N: I'm SOOOO sorry this has taken so long to update! I had a very evil accounting project to do and I wrote this chapter but it was too stupid even for my standards so I had to rewrite it again. Sorry for the wait! I'm a terrible updater! ::smacks self:: **

**Much thanks to my oh so cool reviewers: deceivingrumour, SugaryTears, LovingEmerald, Mel-Darcy, Eternal Passion, BlackCat 2468, and Narutofang91. I love you all 5ever!!!! **

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters are JK Rowling's. **

**Chapter 3: Fire & Icecrotch **

_At that moment, Draco went to stand by Harry, Voldemort, and his father. He looked slightly nervous, like he had to tell them all something very very random. This time the song 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt began playing as Draco opened his mouth to speak. _

"_People, I have an announcement I need to make. Ginny Weasley and I are getting married." _

_***_

Draco let out a sigh of relief after finally getting that huge secret off his chest. He stared defiantly at his father, Voldemort, and Harry, only slightly nervous about the reactions of the people around him.

Voldemort, Lucius, and Harry all looked back at Draco with their eyes bulging out of their sockets and their mouths wide open in shock. Voldemort smiled a kind of dazed smile like he didn't quite believe what he was hearing, Lucius promptly collapsed into a fetal position on the floor, and Harry actually started crying.

"You son of a bitch, Malfoy!" Harry spluttered through his tears. "Ginny would _never_ even date you, let alone marry you!"

"Is that what you think, Potter?" Draco looked amused.

"YES!"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Ginny never told you about that guy she dated after you left Hogwarts," he whispered.

"She told me enough," Harry sniffed. "She told me _you_ killed him."

"No. _**I**_ am the guy who dated Ginny."

Harry opened his mouth in horror. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Draco smirked. "Search your feelings, Potter. You know it to be true."

"NOOOO!" Harry yelled as he began to cry uncontrollably. He closed his eyes and stepped forward blindly, trying to use the Force to inflict bodily harm on Draco. Unfortunately for Harry, however, that this fic was in no way intended to be a Star Wars cross-over, and the fact that Harry was closing his eyes did not help him summon the force at all, though it did make him extremely disoriented and unable to see where he was going. He quickly realized this sad fact as he tripped over a delicate aspidistra by the fire place and face planted onto the cold, hard, 1,000,000,000$ per square foot marble flooring of the Malfoy Manor den.

Draco rolled his eyes at Harry's idiocy then turned to face his beloved father, who was still curled up in fetal position, rocking himself back and forth on the floor.

"My only son… My only son… This is all some kind of sick revenge for my failure at the Department of Mysteries, I'm sure of it," Lucius whispered a little psychotically as he began pulling on his platinum blond locks in desperation.

"Oh, come on, Father," Draco drawled. "After all those times you walked in on me and Ginny shagging, this really shouldn't come as that much of a surprise to you."

Lucius shook in revulsion. "Please don't remind me of that…" he begged.

"HOLD UP! They did WHAT and WHY was I not informed of this????" Voldemort came out of his blissful trance at this revelation and put his hands on his hips to glare at Lucius.

"Forgive me, my Lord, but it's not exactly something you brag about to your boss," Lucius muttered.

"Alright, Malfoy, I understand your sentiments, but I will seriously _Avada Kedavra _you next time you leave me in the dark about your son's sex life. Next time ANYTHING happens between Draco and Ginny, you had better tell me ASAP, seeing as JK Rowling probably won't…" Voldemort added darkly.

Lucius merely shook his head and continued to rock back and forth in his stupor.

At this point, Harry's tears had dried up a little bit and he was able to pull himself up from his spot by the fire place. He turned furiously to face Draco, refusing to accept the attractive blond's alleged claims of Drinny.

"You know what, Malfoy? I don't think I believe you," he spat, wiping away the fat tears that leaked from his green orbs. "I think I'm going to go ask Ginny. At least _she'll_ be honest with me."

Draco smirked. "Fine by me. But I'd suggest you not go anywhere, seeing as Ginny has been in my room this entire time waiting to be introduced as my fiancee."

"She's here??" Harry cried in disbelief. "She's in Malfoy Manor? What the Hell kind of sick game did you play to get her here?" He demanded.

Draco gritted his teeth in annoyance, "I already told you, we're getting marr-"

"AHHH, DON'T SPEAK! I'll ask her myself! GINNY!!!! Ginny, my Love??" Harry called into the long, dark hallway leading out of the den. Time was starting to go by and Harry was becoming increasingly nervous at Ginny's lack of response. Draco tried his best to hold back the laughter as Harry became more and more frantic in his calls for Ginny.

"GINNNNNYYYYY!!! Where are you????" Harry continued to yell, looking all around for any sign of Ginny. "Giiiiinnnnyyyyy!!!!??? OH- there you are!" Harry sighed in relief as a confused looking Ginny appeared right behind him, the flowery smell Harry recognized from the Burrow now engulfing everyone in the room.

"Hi, Harry, what's up?" She asked him, panting and looking mildly pissed off.

"Ginny, thank God you're not hurt," Harry said, engulfing Ginny in a bone-crushing embrace. "But what the HELL took you so long to get here???"

Ginny sent Harry a death glare. "I came here - as fast - as I could," Ginny tried her best to get out the words, breathing heavily like she had just been running. "but this is a huge - fucking - mansion…it takes - time, Harry."

"Right," said Harry, immediately going in to full hero mode. "You're in great danger, we've got to get you out of here. Voldemort's here." He added importantly, jerking his head in the Dark Lord's direction.

Ginny turned her head and smiled as she noticed Voldemort for the first time standing beside a hunched over Lucius. "TOM!" She called out and ran over to hug the Dark Lord.

"GINEVRA!" Voldemort gushed as he eagerly met Ginny in a warm embrace. The two stood there for a while chatting like a bunch of school girls at a reunion, much to Harry's surprise.

Harry looked back and forth in bewilderment at Ginny and Voldemort, completely aggravated by the whole situation. "Have you people all lost your fucking minds??!!" He finally spoke, lifting his hands up in exasperation. "I mean Ginny he tried to _kill_ you in your first year with that awful diary of his! Don't you remember??"

Ginny reluctantly stopped her conversation with Tom Riddle and looked up at Harry. "Oh, that," she giggled. "Yeah, at first I thought he was trying to kill me too. I mean, I kept doing things without remembering them, like blacking out and finding myself in the Slytherin common room wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie, and once I actually woke up naked in Draco Malfoy's bed having no idea how I got there." Lucius put a hand over his mouth as if he were going to vomit as Ginny continued. "But then Tom started writing things like 'I love ferrets' and 'Draco is such a catch, you should really give him a chance,' and I realized he was just trying to set me up on a date, to put some 'fire in my ice,' if you will, and help me get together with a great guy!" Ginny grinned at Voldemort, who gave her an eager Thumbs Up in return.

"But Ginny!" Harry whined, the emo-ness creeping back into his adolescent voice, "We _belong_ together!"

Ginny snorted. "Bleh, no way. Harry/Ginny makes me die a little inside."

"Same here," Draco said, going to stand by Ginny.

"Yes, I third that!" Voldemort stated enthusiastically.

"Harry/Ginny does suck…" whispered Lucius, a little more optimistically.

"So you see, Harry?" Ginny said soothingly as Draco held her hand. "Draco/Ginny is meant to be. It just fits better with the overall series, plus Draco and I look really hawt together, don't you think?" Draco and Ginny started cuddling and that song "Tale as old as Time" from Beauty and the Beast started playing to lighten the mood, much to Harry's 'chagrin.'

"Isn't it beautiful?" Voldemort sighed taking out a D&G embroidered hankie and dabbing his eyes with it as Lucius excused himself and began dry-heaving in the bathroom. Voldemort, feeling very Kumbaya at Draco and Ginny's love for each other, suddenly remembered something that would make both his and Harry's lives much easier.

"POTTER!" He sang joyously. "Do you realize what this means??? I don't have to kill you anymore! Draco and Ginny love each other, so our enmity was just a big misunderstanding!"

Harry snorted. "Wtf are you talking about?? You've been trying to kill me and my entire family since circa 1979!!!"

"I know, I know," said Voldemort hastily, "but it was all just a misinterpretation of this prophecy I heard at the Ministry-"

"I know all about the prophecy," Harry snapped.

"Oh, somehow I doubt that…." Voldemort muttered. "Look, anyways I'm hella sorry about all this me-you-attempted death cycle that I've been engaging you in for the past 17 years. Do you think you and I could still be friends?" He held out his hand for Harry to shake. "And you know, maybe we could forget about the whole horcrux-schmorcrux thing," he added with his high-pitched, girlish laugh.

Harry cocked his head to the side, shivering slightly like someone who was very slowly going crazy. "… NO! No fucking way, dude! I don't know HOW I always end up in these fanfics where everyone has lost their Merlin damned minds and I am somehow the bitch of the situation, but seeing as I can't get out of this crack!fic, I'm going to go to sleep in one of the Malfoys' spare bedrooms and hopefully bum some dinner one of their house-elves. PEACE!" Harry ranted in a mad sort of way before running as fast as he could towards what he hoped would be a spare bedroom.

Voldemort blinked. _Wow, that kid has some serious issues_, he thought to himself. He looked contentedly at the blond and red-headed lovers, who had been making out this entire time and were now beginning to _ahem _"get jiggy" on the couch (because they are obviously the type of people who would do that without really caring who was watching). Voldemort grinned as he left to let Drinny do their thing. Once he got into the hallway, he jumped up and down ecstatically and twirled around, happier than he had been in years because, after all, he had a wedding to plan!

**A/N: There we have it! Chapter 3! I hope you enjoyed it! And I will really really try to update soon, but as you can see, I'm a horrible updater and I'm sorry!!!! **

**Disclaimer 2: Star Wars scene is from Star Wars, Crazy-Lucius scene is a reference to Crazy-Narcissa, Tale as old as Time is from Beauty and the Beast, and 'chagrin' is from Twilight (a reference I just had to include, I heart Twilight)**


	4. The Loyal Wedding Party

**A/N: Ok, so I wasn't kidding when I said this would be stupid. Enjoy! **

**Also, thank you so much to my reviewers: Mistress Fang, xSugaryTearsx, enticement, and Eternal Passion! You guys rock! :D **

**Chapter 4: The Loyal Wedding Party**

After two straight weeks of feverish, ball-busting wedding planning, the glorious day had come that Voldemort would finally be able to see his life long dream of Drinny fulfilled. He had been able to convince the young couple to hold their wedding on July 31st, partially because they wanted a summer wedding, but mainly as an added 'Fuck you' to Harry. After getting the all-clear from Dumbledore, Voldemort had arranged for the wedding and the reception to take place at Hogwarts in the Great Hall. He had also placed a Confundus Charm on the Headmaster and all the Hogwarts students to make them think that school didn't get out until August. That way, everyone would be together and already at the venue, making it much easier for Voldemort to get his wedding festivities started.

So as the morning of July 31st dawned in Hogsmeade, it was with great pride and anticipation that Voldemort arrived at the small hotel room he had reserved right on the outskirts of Hogwarts. He looked at himself in the mirror, admiring what looked back. His reflection was bald and snake-like with pale skin and freakish, glowing red eyes. "You are one hott bastard, aren't you?" He cooed at his reflection, adding an extra spritz of cologne just for good measure. Once he felt pretty enough, he rolled up his sleeve and delicately placed a long, bony finger to the Dark Mark on his left forearm. The Mark glowed a sinister orange, and very suddenly, several sweeping, black figures materialized in the room where Voldemort was. As they arrived one by one, Voldemort smiled and turned to meet his dark companions.

"Ahh, Avery! Rookwood! Macnair! Yaxley! Amycus! Greyback! Wormtail! Rodolphus! You're all here! This means so much to me..." Voldemort paused to blow his nose and wipe away the tears of joy. As his eyes continued to sweep around the room, he noticed the devastatingly good-looking Lucius Malfoy, hunched in a corner as if he'd rather be anywhere than with Voldemort. Voldemort went over to Lucius and hugged him daintily, resting his head on the strong blond's shoulders. "And of course Lucius, my right hand man who has helped me organize all of this! Oh sigh, where would I be if it weren't for you, my little platinum lumpy cake?"

"At the nut house, most likely," Lucius muttered. Luckily for him, however, his words were drowned out at that very instant by three death eaters who had just arrived.

"Snape! You beautiful thing, I could kiss you!" Voldemort walked towards Snape with his lips puckered but, after noticing the very uncomfortable look on Snape's face quickly added, "but I won't!" He turned towards the other new arrivals. "Alecto, darling! So glad you could make it! And Bellatrix, so happy to see Bella..." Voldemort gulped audibly as he noticed for the first time the tall, psychotic woman who was more than a little obsessed with him standing seductively in his hotel room. He took a few steps back and stood so that Lucius served as a sort of shield between him and Bellatrix, who was glaring at him hungrily.

"_Lucius_!" He whispered desperately, "what the HELL is Bellatrix doing here?? Isn't she supposed to be, like, in PRISON or something?!"

Lucius cocked his head bemusedly at the Dark Lord. "She's Draco's aunt, she'd kill me if I didn't invite her to her only nephew's wedding. Besides, if I remember correctly, you two seemed to get along very well when-"

"SHHHHH!!!!!!! Dear God, don't remind her!!!" Voldemort knew where Lucius was going with that one and decided to nip it in the bud before Lucius could finish. Voldemort did like Bellatrix, really he did, but after that extremely awkward night they had spent together in Cabo, things just hadn't been the same.

Bellatrix purred at the Dark Lord. "I've missed you so, my Lord! How I wish you would have given me a call after our night in Cabo! Or did you lose my number?" She batted heavily lidded eyes at Voldemort.

Voldemort squealed and pressed himself even further against the wall behind Lucius. "Well, Bellatrix, you know how it is. I was going to call you, but then I realized that um...telephones were made by Muggles and...I hate Muggles, so, yeah...I didn't really want to...promote their technology?" He let out a huge sigh of relief as Bellatrix seemed pleased with his lame excuse.

"So anyway, folks" Voldemort once more addressed his loyal death eaters. "I am so very happy to see you here, men-" he was cut short by an indignant snort from Bellatrix.

"So sorry. I am very happy to see you all here, men and ...crazy bitch." Bellatrix smiled huskily at her special shout out as Voldemort continued. "This is the most important day of your young lives. This is the day all your dreams come true! No longer will you be called an idiot by the rest of fanon for supporting a ship they think won't happen! No longer will you skim through all your Harry Potter paraphernalia, only to find NOTHING to support Draco and Ginny's love! No longer will you stay up late at night, looking for just the right fanfiction to satisfy your cravings! No longer will you...Why are you all staring at me like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about?" Voldemort stared dejectedly at all the other death eaters who, save for Lucius, looked like they had no idea what the Hell was going on.

"Well, my Lord, we're not a bit sure what you have planned for today...Are you trying to round up a bunch of Mudbloods and kill them? That would sure make my dreams come true..." Bellatrix asked dreamily as several Death Eaters shook their heads in agreement.

"Wow, Bella, no. As...pleasant as all that sounds, I was actually referring to the subject of the invitations. Lucius did send you all invitations via Floo last week, didn't he??" Voldemort looked around, only to be greeted by blank stares. He groaned and glared at Lucius.

"Wow Lucius, seriously!? It took me FOREVER to make those invitations and you couldn't even have the decency to send them out?!"

Lucius grumbled something but Voldemort didn't hear him and instead turned to face the rest of the group. "Paris Hilton here was supposed to send you all invitations, but I GUESS he got distracted!"

"I didn't get distracted, my Lord. I was just....embarrassed," Lucius mumbled timidly.

Voldemort pursed his lips and waved his hands around in frustration. "Embarrassed? EMBARRASSED?! What's there to be embarrassed about these?" He pulled out a stack of home-made invitations from his robes and passed them out to the other Death Eaters. The invites consisted of a picture of a red-headed Kate Winslet and a blonde, rugged Leonardo DiCaprio, both glued in front of what appeared to be a postcard of Hogwarts. At the bottom of the invitation, the words 'WEASLEY + MALFOY = WEDDING!' were scribbled in big, purple, sparkly letters.

The Death Eaters all looked at the invitations, extremely surprised that this was what the Dark Lord had called them there for. Everyone tried their best not to laugh or make fun of the incredibly gaudy invitations.

"Are they making a wizarding sequel to Titanic?" one of the Death Eaters asked.

"No, Rodolphus." Voldemort put his hands over his eyes and shook his head in aggravation. "This is supposed to be my celebrity representation of Draco and Ginny. They're getting married today, and that's why we're all here."

Comprehension suddenly dawned on all the Death Eaters. To Voldemort's immense relief, they all broke out into a loud chorus of cheers and laughter. "Wow," he chuckled, "I didn't know you all would be so happy!"

"Of course we'd be happy!" said Snape, speaking out for the first time since he'd gotten there. "After all, I'm the biggest Draco/Ginny shipper out there. After you, of course, my Lord." Snape smiled at Voldemort, who smiled eagerly back at him.

"Now wait just one minute there!" screeched Bellatrix, turning to glare daggers at Snape. "I am the most loyal Draco/Ginny shipper after the Dark Lord! When the Dark Lord fell trying to kill the Potter boy, it was I alone out of all of you who said that I still shipped Draco/Ginny! I read all his fanfiction while I was in Azkaban, and I commented on every single chapter!"

"And I'm sure the Dark Lord thought your avid reviewing was an admirable gesture, no doubt," Snake added lazily.

"Gesture?? GESTURE?!" Bellatrix hissed, her face becoming twisted in rage. "I provided support for the Dark Lord while we both constantly tried to make Draco/Ginny happen! But where were you all these years? You were their potions teacher, were you not, Snape? You could have given them detention together every day of the year if you so chose! But nooo, all you did was bitch at the Potter boy and make him look like even more of a hero to the Weasley girl!"

"I did no such thing, Bellatrix," Snape countered evenly. "For all the years the Potter boy has been at Hogwarts, I have done my best to humiliate him. I have tried very hard to make him feel like a complete failure at life, thereby sapping him of any confidence he would have had with the ladies. You forget, Bellatrix, that it was I who prevented him from playing Quidditch for most of his sixth year, and this surely made Draco seem like a bigger athlete in comparisson!"

"AHH! Yes, but after the Weasley girl substituted for him, do you know what happened then, Snape?? SHE KISSED THE POTTER BOY! She kissed him right under your filthy, hooked nose, and you should have put a stop to it!" Bellatrix finished, apoplectic with rage.

"I couldn't have Dumbledore thinking I was trying to cock block his favorite student!" Snape spluttered. "Think, Bellatrix! If I had forbidden the Weasley girl and the Potter boy from dating, this would have made them all the more eager to see each other! Besides, it was on Dumbledore's protection that I was allowed to be at Hogwarts trying to hook Draco and Ginny up in the first place! If he would have realized what a raging Draco/Ginny shipper I was, he would surely never have hired me because there are probably laws about teachers interfering in their students' sex lives and what not..."

"Whatever, Snape. You still suck," Bella stuck her tongue out at Snape, who rolled his eyes at Bella's immaturity.

"Well Bravo, Bravo!" Voldemort clapped his hands, so proud at his followers' fierce loyalty to his Draco/Ginny cause. "I'm so pleased to see that you all are taking this as seriously as I am. Now, I know that you Death Eaters have failed at almost every assignment I've ever given you...I mean, it was TEENAGERS fighting you at the Department of Mysteries for God's sakes...but it's ok, I'm over it. No, despite you all's past failures, I am going to entrust you all to come with me to Hogwarts in about 30ish minutes so we can get this Wedding started! Let's go!" Voldemort smiled enthusiastically and made his way out of his hotel and into Hogsmeade, followed by his loyal Death Eaters who would support him all the way to the altar.

**A/N: There you have it! Please review, I love getting reviews! I will do my best to update soon :)**


	5. Voldie Victorious

**A/N: Mega thanks to my darling reviewers! xSugaryTearsx, scubarang, Aerileigh, imadoodlenoodle, MistressFang, Resplendent Decadence, and fyren galan. It means a great deal to me that you guys take the time to review this fic, thank you thank you thank you! **

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter was written by JK Rowling, not me. **

**Also, I know it has been an OBSCENELY long time since I have updated and I really apologize! I'm trying to get on a normal ff schedule because I do love it so :) Without further ado, I present...**

**Chapter Five: Voldie Victorious**

Meanwhile on the other side of Hogsmeade, the same sun's rays that had so generously illuminated Voldemort's hotel room traveled west toward the ironclad gates of Hogwarts Castle. The castle loomed ominously against the picturesque, Scottish background, and as school was still in session, there was not much life around the Hogwarts gates except for a manic fox who was really going to town looking for crumbs in a leftover cylinder of Pringles.

Just as the fox had managed to unearth an almost intact chip from his cylinder, a series of loud and foreboding bangs shattered his concentration. Annoyed, he glared at the group of people who had caused the ruckus and, if he didn't know any better, seemed to have suddenly appeared out of mid air. As he tried to get a better look at them, he tripped over his Pringles carton, landing with a thud in front of a dark, heavy lidded woman with a wand.

The woman looked at the fox for a split second before shrieking, "AHHH, DUMBLEDORE!" and screaming some sort of incantation that made green light burst from the end of her wand. The fox recognized the woman immediately as the same crazy bitch who had killed his cousin down in Spinner's End, and jumped about seven feet in the air before bolting towards the castle and missing the woman's _Avada Kedavra_ curse by mere inches.

"ARRGH, I almost had him!" Bella swore, pouting her lips and crossing her arms like a child about to throw a tantrum.

"Bella, sweetie, you have GOT to stop this. Seriously, I think those things are becoming endangered because of you..." Lord Voldemort muttered before walking forward and observing the thick, rusting gates that the fox had just run through.

"Now these, my lovelies, may be a bit of a problem," he whispered, resting his hand on the cool iron. "Rumor has it that Dumbledore has some wicked enchantments on these things. I'm not really sure what to do, so I suppose I could just, like, try and bend them with my sheer strength or something?" He bent forward and pushed so hard against the gates that his beady little eyes began to bulge from the exertion.

The Death Eaters stood there like useless idiots until the calm, deep voice of Snape broke through the silence.

"That won't be necessary, my Lord," he smirked, pulling out a bobby pin from his greasy black mane. He looked for a moment at the thick chains around the gates' opening, which were held together by a cheap lock that had obviously been purchased at Wal-mart. He fiddled the lock with his bobby pin, and after a few agonizing seconds, the gates burst open to welcome the visitors.

"It has been done, my Lord," Snape whispered. He nodded his head curtly and, with that, walked through onto Hogwarts property, followed by the rest of the group, save for a bewildered Voldemort, who could feel that Riddle temper beginning to flare.

"Coming, my Lord?" Snape asked.

Voldemort pursed his lips. "Snape?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Do you remember that time I spent almost a year cooped up in the garlic infested turban of a stuttering half wit? Do you remember that time I frolicked for the better part of the next year in the school's _plumbing system_?"

"I do, my Lord."

"Well...IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS" - Voldemort pointed disgustedly at the bargain lock on the ground - "BEFORE I MADE A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF REPEATEDLY TRYING TO GAIN ENTRANCE TO THIS GOD FORSAKEN CASTLE!"

Severus blinked. "Duly noted."

"THANK YOU!" Voldemort roared, storming through the gates to the head of the crowd and, luckily for Snape, still feeling too giddy about the impending Weasley-Malfoy wedding to stay mad for too much longer.

Inside the magestical Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the students of Hogwarts were being forced to endure another one of Dumbledore's speeches before breakfast. Dumbedore had gotten a hold of two and a half bottles of Slughorn's oldest mead, and was regaling his life story for the 512th time that year to the groggy students. He stood in front of the eagle-engraved lectern with five o' clock shadow and the back of his robes tucked into his lime green briefs.

"And then that time I was sixteen," he recalled gaily, "that beautiful boy with the jovial face and the curly blond hair. My oh my was he a looker. He had these ruby red lips. They were pretty. And what a firm bottom -"

"Now, REALLY!" McGonagall, ever the wet blanket, huffed from the staff table.

"Errr" said Dumbledore, snapping out of it and remembering for the first time that he was talking to a group of over three hundred bewildered, adolescent students.

"Right! Well, my dear young witches and wizards, we are gathered here for a rather beautiful occasion. As it's July 31st, we've got a lovely, long awaited event planned for today." He winked knowingly as Harry Potter puffed his chest out from the Gryffindor table, expecting to be given a public birthday shout out from his favorite head master.

"Yes, today is an extremely special day," Dumbledore continued, ignoring Harry completely, "because today is the day that Draco Malfoy and Ginevra Weasley will be joined as one! Congratulations, Drinny!" He yelled, blowing kisses to the young couple who were seated by a furious looking Ronald Weasley at the Gryffindor table.

"Sir!" Harry bolted to his feet. "How can you condone this? I thought you were the most loyal Harry/Ginny shipper out there!"

"Actually, I was always more of a Harry/Draco shipper myself, if you must know," Dumbledore tutted. "But this is good! With you still single and Draco off the market, I can maybe start trying out a new ship." He glanced dreamily from Ron to Harry in a way that, fortunately, went unnoticed by both of them. "Ahh, young love! Dig in, everybody!" He bellowed before turning away from the lectern and finally taking his seat at the head of the staff table.

The students at Gryffindor table began to eat their food in a frenzy, laughing and talking with everyone about the wedding which was sure to be the event of the century. Everyone seemed so excited that this couple, who were so obviously meant for each other, were about to tie the knot. Everyone, that is, except for a sullen looking Harry Potter, and an even more miserable Ron Weasley, who sat together scowling at the beautiful couple seated directly across from them. Ginny tried her best to act normal and eat her breakfast, while Draco glared obnoxiously back at Ron and Harry.

"So! That was a really fascinating speech!" Hermione Granger yelled, trying to diffuse the uncomfortable situation. "I think Dumbledore's Grindlewald story gets better every time he tells it, really."

"I totally agree," Ginny added. "What about you, Ronald," she fixed him with her best Molly-esque stare. "What did you think about Dumbledore's speech?"

Ron grumbled. "I think Malfoy is a tosser."

"Well I think I'm banging your sister," Draco smirked.

"Why you little son of a-" Ron fumbled around for his wand, but was beaten to it by Draco, who held his own wand up in front of Ron's face as Harry watched uselessly from beside them.

"Boys, please!" Hermione wailed, as she and Ginny grabbed their respective boos' arms in an attempt to make peace. "Can't you two just get along? I mean, by the end of today you are going to be family! And if we ever have children, Ronald," she lowered her voice, "Draco will be your baby's uncle.!"

Ron suddenly became very white and looked as if he were about to vomit slugs again. "Hermione, if you love me at all, we will go forward with our lives pretending that you never, ever said that. Ok?"

Hermione looked sheepish. "I'm sorry, Ron. It's just that I've been waiting to say that for a really long time and now seemed like the perfect opportunity - "

"Pefect opportunity to wreck a ferret, you mean," Ron snorted.

"Alright, Weasley, alright," Malfoy drawled, glowering at Ron. "I don't like you, but I will agree to tolerate you for now because we can both agree that we love Ginny. Truce?"

"Piss off!"

"Your infallible maturity never ceases to amaze me," Malfoy sighed.

"Wonderful. Bloody wonderful." Harry moaned. "You two are getting married and I don't even have a date to your wedding. If I don't act soon, all the good ones will probably be taken." He looked hopefully at Ron.

"You're a Weasley."

"Yes, Harry. I am"

"Well, what say you come to the wedding with me?" Harry did a ridiculous waltz in his chair as Ron crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Honestly, Harry! Next time you want for me to be your date you should ask me BEFORE anyone else does and not as a last resort!"

"...Is that a yes?"

"No, you idiot. I'm going with Hermione."

"God damn it! Could this day get any worse?"

And as if Merlin heard Harry's bitching, the doors to the Great Hall were blasted open, and in the smoke and chaos that followed, Voldemort and his minions stepped through. As Voldemort walked forward, brushing bits of dust and rubble from the front  
of his robes, people's voices grew hushed, and the ceiling over the Great Hall became dark and thunderous. Voldemort grinned, waving his hands enthusiastically at the astounded crowd.

"Surpriiiise!"

**A/N: Hope you lurved it! And I solemnly swear that I will update quicker next time! **

**Ps: For anyone who missed it, the scene with the fox and the scene with Harry asking Ron out were stolen from the sixth and fourth books, respectively. Disclaimer: This was an attempt at humor, not plagiarism. Gracias!**


	6. Sedations and Preparations

**Sedations and Preparations**

**A/N: Thank you so much to my splendid reviewers who really keep me going! Resplendent Decadence, Samurai-Kagome, Ha'niqua, Amy Christina, and WhatDaVitamins; this is for you! :-D**

**I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own Draco and Ginny's OBVIOUS love for one another because it's totally canon. **

_And as if Merlin heard Harry's bitching, the doors to the Great Hall were blasted open, and in the smoke and chaos that followed, Voldemort and his minions stepped through. As Voldemort walked forward, brushing bits of dust and rubble from the front of his robes, people's voices grew hushed, and the ceiling over the Great Hall became dark and thunderous. Voldemort grinned, waving his hands enthusiastically at the astounded crowd._

_"Surpriiiise!"_

It was only a couple of seconds before pure mayhem broke out in the Great Hall. Students began screaming bloody murder, professors took out their wands to begin the counterattack, and even the castle ghosts started wafting around in a panic.

Voldemort, mistaking everyone's horror for jubilation, smiled in appreciation and blew kisses towards the stunned crowd.

"Thank you, everyone! Thank you so much for this warm welcome! I – AH!" he paused as a scrawny boy from Hufflepuff launched himself at his midsection. The boy was so tiny and his strength so inadequate that Voldemort merely assumed the boy was trying to hug him.

"Yes, yes. I'm quite happy that I'm here, too, little one!" He patted the boy's head and continued talking to the crowd. "You see, people, today is a big day for everyone! And no, I'm NOT talking about your birthday, Potter!" he glared at Harry who, for the second time that day, puffed out his chest in expectation of a great sorcerer publicly acknowledging his birthday.

"Anyways!" he continued, "Today is the day! No more waiting! Draco, Ginny, wedding party, you all go get changed for the big event!"

At those words, the tension in the Great Hall eased considerably. The mere mention of Draco and Ginny's rapidly impending union filled everyone with a sense of peace, calm, and excitement. The students, teachers, ghosts, house elves, dragons, serpents, etc. put down their wands, daggers, teeth, and other means of self defense. Everyone took their seats once again, willing to forgo the chance to attack Voldemort in exchange for Draco and Ginny, together at last.

Back at the Gryffindor table, Draco and Ginny were gathering their things and getting ready to change into their formal wedding attire. As Draco stood from the table to leave, the sun shone on his face for one glorious moment, illuminating his haughty features, sexy lips, gorgeous eyes, high cheekbones, and vanilla complexion, all straight from the Lucius Malfoy genetics department. Fortunately for those sitting near enough to witness it, the sun also shone shone on his bum, which was firm, taught, and muscular (also kudos to Lucius).

Draco held out his hand towards his darling Ginevra, aching to feel her creamy palm on his.

"Are you coming, my dear?" He whispered attractively in Ginny's direction.

Ginny arched her eyebrow. "Yes, gladly." She reached for Malfoy's hand. "But what's with the 'dear?'"

Draco looked sheepish. "Well, it is our wedding day, after all. I figured I should at least try to be romantic."

Ginny grinned. "You don't need to try. You already are," she whispered, leaning in to kiss him as he smirked in appreciation.

Far from being moved by the lovely couple's display of affection, Ronald Weasley had turned a pale white, not creamy vanilla like Malfoy, but the kind of papery hue one displays right before they're about to be sick. Hermione, sensing the impending tantrum, grabbed Ron's arm and heaved him away from the table before he could witness Draco and Ginny deepening their kiss and walking hand in hand out of the Great Hall towards their dressing rooms.

"Herm… Mione….Hermioneh…" Ron spluttered. "Did you see… He was…They were….They were _sucking face!_"

"I know, Ronald, I know," Hermione soothed, trying to keep Ron's fury to a bare minimum. "But he's really good for her, don't you think? He loves her."

Ron shuddered, something about Hermione's words making him snap. "I don't care if he loves her or not, Hermione, she's _my_ _sister_! And he's a ferrety little son of a Death Eater, I won't have it. Nope!" He rolled up his sleeves, stood up to his full height, and barged towards the exit of the Great Hall, breaking Hermione's grip on him and leaving her fuming, hands on hips, behind him.

It wasn't until he had nearly made it to the end of the Great Hall that he realized there were heaps upon heaps of wedding decorations streamed around the whole castle. There were white banners, pink blossoms, and even magical doves that had been bewitched to fly in heart formations.

_Bloody Hell_, Ron thought to himself. He then noticed a large, glittering sign that said "Dressing Rooms this way!" and broke out running in that direction. After about a millisecond, however, he noticed an odd sensation creep over his entire body and realized that he had stopped running. Panicked, he looked around until he heard the shuffling of robes several feet away from him.

"Hi, Won-won," Lord Voldemort stepped in front of Ron and grinned his moste evile of grins. "You won't be needed over there," he jerked his head towards the dressing rooms. "Your tuxedo is in here," he pointed at Filch's janitor's closet. "Along with Potter's."

"Fat chance I'll be attending this wedding!" Ron spat at Voldemort's feet. "I'll do all I can to try and stop it!"

Voldemort chuckled. "Oh, I'm not too sure about that. After all, you are one of the groomsmen!"

"What? No!" Ron shook his head in disbelief, but he noticed his limbs were growing heavy and his eyelids didn't want to stay open. He felt drugged and ill and wonderful at the same time, and as he looked up in bewilderment, the last thing he saw was Voldemort smiling with his wand pointed at his neck.

"Sleep tight, little Weasley. Until the wedding." And Ron's world went blank.

**A/N: Ooo another cliffy! I was going to make this chapter longer but I think the next bit will work better in another chapter. Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it! And please review! **


	7. A Beautiful Union

**A Beautiful Union**

**A/N: Thank you to TheNextMrsMalfoy, Resplendent Decadence, and Mistress Fang for reviewing! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. **

_"Fat chance I'll be attending this wedding!" Ron spat at Voldemort's feet. "I'll do all I can to try and stop it!"_

_Voldemort chuckled. "Oh, I'm not too sure about that. After all, you are one of the groomsmen!"_

_"What? No!" Ron shook his head in disbelief, but he noticed his limbs were growing heavy and his eyelids didn't want to stay open. He felt drugged and ill and wonderful at the same time, and as he looked up in bewilderment, the last thing he saw was Voldemort smiling with his wand pointed at his neck._

_"Sleep tight, little Weasley. Until the wedding." And Ron's world went blank._

By the time Ron finally came to, the Great Hall had already undergone its magnificent transformation from school cafeteria to high-end wedding venue. Gone were the four old wooden house tables, and in their place stood row upon row of silvery white folding chairs, all containing the words "Malfoy and Weasley 5ever" delicately painted in sparkly pink ink on the back of them. In the middle of the many rows of chairs, the floor was parted by a vibrant red carpet which stretched all the way from the doors to the elevated stage where the staff table once stood. It was on this stage that Draco and Ginny would shortly be wed, and Voldemort had taken an extraordinary amount of care making sure that it looked perfect. Thousands of bouquets containing the most exotic and colorful flowers formed a semi-circular wall in front of which the reading of the vows would take place. On either side of these flowers stood a vast array of what appeared to be magically lit candles, though upon closer observance one would notice that the faint glow emanating from each of these was in reality not a flame but a fairy. Voldemort had spent hours collecting these fairies the night before, and was pleased to see that they looked simply stunning displayed on stage.

In the center of the stage stood the Adonis Draco Malfoy, who was so attractive he seemed to shine in the soft light, standing next to his best man, Blaise Zabini. The usually calm and collected Draco was utterly nervous, though to the untrained eye, he hid it extremely well. There were certain things, however, that stood out: he twiddled his fingers a little too much, and every now and then he snuck an anxious glance towards the doors where Ginny would soon be entering. He felt like his heart was sprinting a marathon in his chest, and he shot his best man a nervous smile before he turned to face the wedding guests.

Blaise, on the other hand, was overcome by an emotion entirely different from nerves: jealousy. He had always fancied Ginny, and that time in the sixth book where Pansy had said "even you think she's good looking, don't you Blaise?" gave Blaise the slightest hope for a Blaise/Ginny relationship. Although he was disappointed he couldn't be with Ginny, he would much rather she be with Draco than Harry and, as such, he refused to ruin this big day for either of them.

Now that it was only mere minutes before the hottest union of Harry Potter fandom was about to take place, people had begun trickling into the Great Wedding Venue and taking their seats in their assigned sections. Voldemort knew that this was going to be a behemoth of an event, so he had grouped people by ship loyalty, degree of relation to the Malfoys, political prominence, fame, and degree of relation to the Weasleys. This meant that while Bellatrix, Snape, and many of the other Death Eaters enjoyed prime seating, Molly and Arthur Weasley were forced to cram themselves in to one of the rows in the very back.

These seats were still preferable to Harry's. Harry had been promised by Dumbledore that he would be given a specially marked seat in the "fame" section, next to the Weird Sisters and Chorlus Hottman and directly behind the Prime Minister. When he arrived at the Hall, however, he was annoyed but all together not too surprised that his seat was actually behind the Weasley section and so far in the back that it was technically not even in the Great Hall at all. To make matters worse, his chair looked like it came out of a 1970s junkyard and smelled suspiciously like a great many people had peed on it, but he decided to sit down anyways because he did not want to miss the chance to at least try to stop the girl he "loved" from finding happiness with Malfoy.

Once all of the guests had arrived and were comfortably in their seats, Voldemort knew it was time to make his vision complete. He excitedly waved his wand and, at once, the Great Wedding Venue's ceiling was filled with a montage of Drinny fanart, Drinny fanvids, and every single instant of film time that they had spent together since the beginning of the Harry Potter film series. A good few tears and thunderous applause followed from the audience, who, save for those seated in the back, were simply giddy about this glorious wedding.

And now, Voldemort knew, the moment had come. He snapped his fingers and was immediately transformed from Dark Lord to Wedding Minister. His black robes were replaced with a white, flowing Priest's outfit, and a tall red and white miter appeared suddenly atop his sleek bald head. Very pleased with his rather majestic appearance, he sauntered down the red carpet and onto the stage, giving the thumbs up signal to the orchestra. The wedding was about to commence.

An awed hush grew over the entire Great Hall as the sounds of the loveliest violins were heard, sweet and beautiful, from the back of the Hall where the orchestra was seated.

After several beautiful minutes of violin concertos, the harp began playing a dear a familiar song to everyone...

_Aaaaaaaveeee Mariiiiiiiiiiheeeeeyaaaaa!_

Unfortunately for those present, it was not a world-renown singer who was giving this horrific rendition of Ave Maria; it was Dumbledore. The buzz from earlier that morning had not yet worn off, and in his semi-intoxicated state, he was convinced that the wedding simply would not be complete without him singing. So, to everyone's great annoyance, he was now standing on the stage belting out wedding songs for the beloved couple.

Graaaatiiiiaaa Pleeeennnaaaaa

Mariaaaa, Gratiaa Pleeeheeheeenaaaa!

"_Someone get him offstage_!" Voldemort hissed to Filch, who lumbered forward and collected Dumbledore before too much damage could be done.

"Thank you! Thank you so much for your – hiccup- support! I'm so pleased to be able to –BELCH- sing for you on this enchanted evening!" Dumbledore slurred as Filch escorted him away from the microphone and the crowd started booing. He passed out in his seat at the very back and, fortunately, remained that way for the rest of the wedding.

Now that Dumbledore's awkward moment was finally over, the entire orchestra began to play as the wedding party glided down the aisle and to the stage. Hermione, Fleur, Luna, and Colin Creevey were the lucky bridesmaids, while Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini, and Ron Weasley were the groomsmen. There was, undoubtedly, something odd about the way Ron was acting; it was almost as if he had been bewitched. His eyes were glossy, his hair disheveled, and he had an enormous grin plastered on his face that seemed to suggest he was actually _happy_ about his sister's wedding rather than appalled.

"Fine day we're having, isn't it?" He whispered loudly to Hermione as they walked down the aisle together. "It just makes me want to siiiiing! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVVVE ME, PAPA PAPARAZZI- AHHH Hermione, ouch!" He rubbed his shoulder after Hermione promptly collided her fist with it. "What was that for?"

Hermione smiled and whispered through gritted teeth, "Are you mad? _Shut up!_ We're supposed to be walking to the stage, not performing at a Lady Gaga concert! Get a grip!"

Ron furrowed his brow. "Sorry, I got a bit confused. I'll be good now." And he faced forward with a serious expression until they finally made it to the altar.

Voldemort noticed Ron's little skirmish in the aisle and panicked: Had that horse tranquilizer he'd given him been too strong? He certainly hoped not. He didn't want the little Weasel to ruin this whole thing. He noticed Hermione's calming effect on Ron and felt the tension leave him; Ron would behave himself, for now at least…

And as soon as the wedding party had gotten in place, the music surged to a much higher volume and everyone rose to their feet. The organs blared, signaling the beginning of the most awaited tune of the century…the Wedding March.

**A/N: To be continued! And I do love reviews so feel free to make my day and write me one! **


	8. A Father Daughter Moment

**Chapter 8**

**A/N: Big thanks to Mistress Fang for reviewing!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. **

**A Father/Daughter Moment**

Ginny Weasley had always been a vision, and today was no exception. Her long red curls cascaded down her back in fiery waves that shined copper in the sunlight. Her deep brown eyes sparkled mischievously behind long, mascara coated lashes. Her face was a mask in perfection; pale and beautiful and coated with a fine layer of Elvin foundation, though it was not like she needed it. She was perfect, she was elegant, and perhaps most importantly, she was more than ready to get married to Draco Malfoy.

And so, after very little preparation in the dressing room, she knew it was time for her to make her grand entrance. With shaking, delicate fingers, she opened the door and walked to the entrance of the Great Hall. Her heels click-clacked in the unnatural silence, as just about everyone in the Harry Potter extended universe was already seated for the wedding.

As she neared the place where she would soon be walked down the aisle by her father, her heart began to flutter. She couldn't believe she was finally doing this. She had been horrified by her supposed "marriage" to Harry Potter in the Deathly Hallows Prophecy, and she was beyond relieved that she would be able to spend the rest of her life with Draco instead, canon or not.

She reached the red carpet in only a few moments' time, and was pleased to see her father there, ready to greet her and lead her in to Draco Malfoy's waiting arms. She afforded him a nervous smile.

"Hi, Daddy" she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Hi, baby. You look absolutely beautiful." Arthur Weasley's chest swelled with pride and his face broke into an enormous grin. "Are you ready?"

Ginny gave a tiny nod, and before she could even open her mouth to tell her father how much she loved him, the wedding march began to play.

Arthur Weasley winked. "Knock 'em dead, Ginbug!" And he stuck out his elbow for Ginny to grab hold of. Ginny placed her hand gently in the crook of her father's arm, and together they walked through the giant, arching doorway and into the center of the jubilant room before them.

**A/N: Aww, aren't they adorable? I decided to put a cute moment between Arthur and Ginny in here that was too sweet to be made crack!y. Don't worry though, I can promise you that the crack! will return full force in the next chapter! :) Please leave your reviews, I love reading them! **


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